Cocaine, An Ego Death? (And My Recent Breakup)

The other weekend I experienced a WILD phenomenon, and am wondering if anyone else has ever experienced this. 

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I’d been in a relationship for only a month before this man started showing a dark side to him. Aggressive toward others, very negative toward me. I initially chalked it up to his increasing use of alcohol. At this point, he had already pretty much move in with me, and I had quickly gone from pure bliss to my nervous system firing on all cylinders constantly.

I was miserable. I missed my peace. And I was holding onto the idea of the man I had fallen for who was sweet, kind, helpful, and seemingly so beautiful inside. Where had he gone? On top of that, he had begun showing a jealous side, especially when it came to my male friends. One who I’d been friends with for over 10 years.

He even threatened to report my Sunshine Monday business. My livelihood, which also means taking away this source of plant medicine from everyone who relies on it. More darkness.

And in the meantime, my friends were putting in an effort to get to know him too. Everyone really liked him. But of course they didn’t know how much he would put me down.

He accused me of being an attention seeker, being lazy, doing drugs and drinking all day (lol what?), insulted my intelligence, my work ethic, my communication skills. Shamed me for hiring people to work for me, as if I was some kind of work horse that needed to do every task. Told me how much he hated the birthday I was so excited to surprise him with. Came down on me for my age, where I am in life, and the list goes on.

He wanted me to work all day like he did. But anyone who knows me knows I’ve worked hard for my entire life, and while my business is doing well, I’m more interested in showing up for my friends, taking care of my beautify and post-crash appointments, and helping others. Not to mention enjoying being in my creative, social and feminine state, where I thrive.

Not to mention other red flags – driving around without a license after receiving his second DUI. Cutting off contact with most people in his life, saying his exes were awful (he later admitted he was the reason none of them worked out). And there were some odd financial conversations that started to occur that made me feel I was about to be used.

ANYWAY – let’s get to the meat of this story. I broke up with him, and truth be told, I was feeling very at peace with the decision based on the inaccurate slurs he continued to hurl at me. It was a Friday night, and I went home, smoked a joint (which I rarely do) did some chatting with ChatGPT on the topic, and went to bed early.

The next morning I sent a nice text as a last ditch effort to try and reason with him. Because I did love him, and still thought maybe there was something in him that could stop being so f’king hard on me.

He immediately texted back to see if he could call me, and said he wasn’t doing well. We talked. While I was smoking weed, he had gone off and bought a bag of coke. A drug he had been addicted to in the past and said he would always stay away from.

When it was gone, he had then consumed a bunch of mushrooms, apparently as an attempt to help with the come-down from the blow. Interesting tactic. I had given them to hi for his birthday, and he took a couple grams of those.

The result?

He called spewing out all of the things he could see that he had been doing to me, saying to me that weren’t true. Shared about how he’s been pushing people away his entire life. That there’s a monster inside of him that he’s been fighting. That he’s defeated and he’s losing. Has no friends which was why he was hating on my friendships. Wanted my attention all to himself. He hates himself, and he’s been projecting everything onto me. A porn addition, a coke addiction, an alcohol addiction. Tortures the people who love him. That he’s alone, he’s not a good person, he’s angry and hateful and needs help. Just… WOW.

I felt so much pain and sadness for him, and yet also a sense of relief. Maybe where he was stripped down by the mushrooms and something to do with the cocaine, he was finally this real person who was asking for my help; apologizing for torturing me up until now.

He told me my love was so strong that and he felt I was an angel. From that moment, I had nothing but hope that we were going to make it. Was this an ego death sped up by cocaine in the same night? The ever-hopeful side of me thought maybe he was a changed man. Foolish? You bet it was.

The short version is that he went back to his old ways just days later. Rude, mean, making up things without any truth. That was it for me.

I had caught a glimpse of this very raw side of a man I had fallen in love with. But sadly the evil was still there. I’ve thought – maybe if he continued to trip on mushrooms regularly? Maybe if he stopped drinking? Maybe if he tried Ibogaine or Ayahuasca? What about other plant medicines like resetting with DMT? He seemed to do well with MDMA, and I know that and ketamine therapy have been known to help people with depression.

But an actual demon inside someone? I know that my heart is big and capable of a lot. But I’m unequipped to handle something so dark that wants to hurt me emotionally. I had warned him that I could only handle so much. I finally found my breaking point and had to give up on him.

The conversation that ended it all was him painting a graphic picture of performing suicide in front of his family and anyone who loved him. HOW. FUCKING. DARK. I was scared and left. I haven’t seen him since, though he continued to berate me via text for some time after.

Having fallen in love and lost it so quickly still hurts my heart a bit, but I’m moving right along.

Thankfully my self-talk is quite high so I can brush off most things the monster said. But it doesn’t make it all go away.

I’m realizing evil really can try to infiltrate over love and light at any time. It was like I was under attack. Imagine if the monster had succeeded.

I wanted to share this experience, as I have a feeling there are plenty of related stories out there. And I can’t help but wonder if there is a way to help heal. But not at the expense of my wellbeing.

(Anyone who has been in the Sunshine Fam long enough knows my story and I’ve been down that path before which consumed years of my life.)

He had warned me at the start that he had a hard time regulating emotions and that everything to him was black or white – no grey area. I found later that he’d speak in absolutes, including things that weren’t true ie that I would “get fucked up everyday on drugs” because I microdose sometimes and one hit me harder than normal one day (lol, oops).

Who knows, maybe he was projecting and lying and doing actual drugs himself the entire time (I did find an empty bag in his car after he said he flushed the rest of it that night). I look back at some of the conversations and wonder what even was real.

Spoiler alert, ChatGPT doesn’t like assigning medical terms like personality disorders to people but I’ve got a few guesses. Certainly a combination of at least two… Manic Depression, Mixed Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder?

His colleagues have been concerned for him and holding him accountable to go to therapy and likely get on medication. After receiving a slew of nasty, hateful messages in the end, I told him I hope he finds healing and he replied he hopes so too. An example of when the actual human inside of him would peak out, the only side I knew at one point. He’s still in there somewhere but got buried deep down along the way.

This is a lot to share, and it’s mind blowing that even someone who wants help and heal and be in the light was knocked down for a little while by someone in the dark. Not to mentioned who abused our plant medicine with cocaine. That’s not one of us and I’m almost ashamed of it. Not to mention allowing someone in my life who wanted to take Sunshine Monday down. So for all of that that, I’m sorry.

Thank you for reading this. Please feel free to share in the comments.

Nothing but love,

JoJo